New laws brought in by
Lawrence Upton, the dear and considerate leader, brought a swift and
satisfactory end to selfish behaviour in the High Street last
Saturday. Sonic Police were called to the Happy Jitters coffee bar
where it was reported that a child had been allowed to scream
unbearably and repeatedly for over an hour. They found it was so.
Other customers spoke of headaches and frustration and complained
that those allowing the noise, the child's parents, were arguing unreasonably and denying responsibility. The
parents of the child offered no satisfactory explanation and were taken to the
Sound Court where a magistrate, having failed to obtain any
assurance from them that they would not repeat the offence, ordered
that they be painlessly removed from society.
In a private ceremony
on the scaffold in the David Cameron Memorial Shopping Centre, Mr A
Screech said “I have always sought to follow the laws, aiming to do
my bit to bring down the ridiculous deficit left by the Romans before
they abandoned us in the 4th century A D and to maintain the
standards of decency for which this country is rightly praised
throughout the S E of England
But I die a martyr to
the cause of Freedom. It is the democratic birthright of everyone to
make and allow his children to make as much bloody noise as they
like; and those foolish enough to look after their hearing can always
go somewhere else if they don't like it.”
He was then led to the
humane killer and despatched, followed by his spouse, who was listening to music on
her headphones and seemed unaware of what was happening. Their bodies will be used for commercial purposes by Surrey Burgers (since 2007)
The child was taken to
a quiet place of safety for vocal restraint training.
Outside, a large silent
crowd gestured their support for the dear and considerate leader.
A council spokesman
later whispered “We support the dear and considerate leader. This
new law will be more popular than the Boris bike.”
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