KIDshush

Some people think that to stop children making a noise it is necessary to shout at them; but that compounds the problem, making more noise and damaging a child's delicate developing psychology.

Some think hitting them will do it; but that is even worse and probably illegal.

Do-gooders would have us sit down and reason with them, form friendships and all that stuff. But who has time?

Now, though, there is a quick, hygienic, modern solution: KIDshush

KIDshush is an innovative product which has been in development for years under the codename “childpaper”.

To look at it, you'd think it no more than heavy duty and rather wide electrical insulation tape. It is adhesive on one side, fiercely adhesive, with a soporific element to send any child to which it is applied unconscious within half an hour. (That might seem a long time, but the child will become progressively less intrusive; and we are a responsible company – we don't want the brats falling over and hurting themselves.)

KIDshush comes in a handy dispenser designed so that you can not only cut it to the length required on the integral cutter but also find an end quickly next time. Never ever use KIDshush without the dispenser, not unless you want to send yourself to sleep. And be careful not to touch the adhesive side.

Tape a noisy child's mouth when it's looking the other way; then make a couple of turns around its head just to be sure; snip and... job done.

The soporific, which gets to work immediately, will last several hours. Remove the tape as soon as the child is unconscious or leave it on till the child wakes and remove it then – ouch that stings, mummy! – as a mild punishment. Tests show that the scar disappears within weeks.

KIDshush is manufactured by a division of Plebchews, manufacturers of the finest breads for the masses since 2004. So shut the kids up and have a nice big sandwich. Plebchews and KIDshush. What a combination.

Available from chandlers, military surplus stores and selected sex shops. KIDshush