Email

My apologies for silence here and for anyone who has had emails to me bounce

I am the victim of gross stupidity by invaders from nowhere pleasant

They say they are trying to help me

lawrence

my first name

just that

at lawrenceupton dot org

will find me

Writing in public

Some time last year I was sitting at the same table in the same cafe for days on end, writing. A woman came in each or most days and was clearly observing it. I noticed that peripherally.

One day she came up and said "excuse me, sorry to interrupt you, but are you writing a book?"

I said "Yes" and she seemed dumbfounded. She said then something like gosh and went away.

Earlier today I was sitting at a cafe table, writing. A man came over and said "Are you writing a book?" but there was a sneer in his voice. I didn't like anything about his voice.

I said Yes, but I said it with a snarl. Whereas I had looked at the woman and smiled, because really she meant well and it is I suppose a reasonable question; or let's say that my activity is unusual, with this shit I just reacted against him, his voice, his manner, his inate aggressiveness. I had, almost, welcomed her; not him.

I heard him speaking to a waitress later saying "I'm a writer" and I was confused. I rationalised it by saying to myself that, whatever kind of writer he is, he wanted to show off, and / or talk about himself. That done, I thought of more interesting things.

Later a friend told me she had had a terrible day or at least quite a bad one no a terrible day because she'd had The Sun wanting to talk to her. What did he want? I don't know she said. He asked all sorts of odd personal questions. Said he was writing about the area. Was he aggressive and pushy? Yes. Did he have a whining insincere voice. Oh God, she said. His voice!

I said: Let me tell you a story.

Neither of us was asked to remove our t shirts

Hanging

I agree with Lord Tebbitt. Policeman are dying. Someone must be hanged. And I would go further and say that the police must be armed so that we can save ourselves the trouble of hanging these scum. (Copyright The Sun)

I would add a proviso. I am sure that Lord Tebbitt will agree, radical though it is.

If anyone hanged proves to be innocent, and that was the case the last time we tried it, and that was before lead poisoning and mass idiocy became problems, then we must apologise for any inconvenience causes and possibly even declare the deceased a hero

Illiteracy

"Assange death penalty fear denied" says the BBC headline; but in fact it is the likelihood of the death penalty that William Hague has denied; not Mr Assange's fear. It's an important difference.

Clearly it is one known and understood by the BBC writer. It's just that perhaps they lack the skill to express it.

Further more, it is not just the death penalty that Mr Assange fears but incarceration for some nonsense charge.

QUIETbox

QUIETbox is an exciting product from Plebchews, makers of innovative breads for the masses since 2004, and of KIDshush, the combined gag (for peace and quiet) and soporific (for humane kindness).

QUIETbox packs down small and is terribly light so there's no problem carrying it; but it pops up quickly into a soundproof container for that noisy child. Use it with KIDshush and you won't even know if the brat wakes up.

No more screams, no more squawks, no more arguments. Is it contradicting you? Is it bothering you? Into the QUIETbox. Ah peace at last.

And now there is QUIETbox ULTRA – all the benefits of QUIETbox PLUS Sleepytime, the wifi euthanasia solution for all harassed parents. (Ask for KIDsnuff in N America) NB use of QUIETbox may breach some local laws.

QUIETbox, KIDshush and Plebchews: a great team.

Max Bygraves

I don't know why I am writing this when there is so much else to write about.

Max Bygraves has died. Maybe you've never heard of him. If so, I can't feel that you are unfortunate.

My colleague Clive Fencott could do quite a good impression of him.

His agent, Bygraves', says: “We have lost one of the best entertainers that Britain has ever produced".

That's what got me writing. Think about what he says and then consider: Bygraves was 89; had had Alzheimer's for at least 5 years; and he lived in Australia...

I think we had lost him already, however good he was.