Friday, 3 August 2012
Misheard announcement
The 9:02 to Epsom Downs has been delayed by 17 minutes due to a fault on the train. As you know, our maintenance system is second to some and that’s why trains are breaking down and the doors jamming. It makes a good profit though and commercial decisions trump your convenience. There’s nothing anyone can do, so I wouldn’t bother complaining. We’ll tire you out. We have teams of idiots who talk balderdash without effort and they deal with all complaints. Senior management doesn’t give a toss.
It’ll probably be longer than 17 minutes actually, but 17 sounds good, rather serious, worthy of some words of apparent explanation, but not actually that bad. We’ll let you know when we have a new estimate. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for travelling with Southern. Fuck off.
Thursday, 2 August 2012
Boris Johnson, dangling
As I came in last night, I turned on the radio and heard the end of an item to the effect that Boris Johnson had been left dangling from a wire.
As in September 2001 and the events in New York, I was slightly concerned, being more or less against violence, but not surprised.
Later, I got the whole story and, rather than a sense of all being well after all, I felt a sense of indefinable injustice. That was heightened this morning when I saw a photo of the devious pillock clutching a union jack in each hand, suspended in East London and someone on a phone, presumably actually trying to get him down.
To think that they're slaughtering healthy animals to make pet food.
As in September 2001 and the events in New York, I was slightly concerned, being more or less against violence, but not surprised.
Later, I got the whole story and, rather than a sense of all being well after all, I felt a sense of indefinable injustice. That was heightened this morning when I saw a photo of the devious pillock clutching a union jack in each hand, suspended in East London and someone on a phone, presumably actually trying to get him down.
To think that they're slaughtering healthy animals to make pet food.
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
GAME CRIMES
Minor problems at my local station mid morning. A train going south was said to be delayed due to "an earlier operational incident" which could mean anything and probably means nothing. Then the next was just delayed.
Apparently the Games Police had boarded a train, seized hold of anyone not wearing union jacks on their clothing or as their clothing and interrogated them. Some were taken away and only then could there be what they call a normal service. All are to be charged with Games Crimes, one at least with the most serious LACK OF ENTHUSIASM FOR THE GAMES.
If found guilty, the example may be forced to attend all sessions of the Synchronised Mental Masturbation being staged at Palace of Westminster this autumn.
But many train delays are normal and attributable to almost 100% take up of Diarrhea Trains' policy of 5 minutes in the hour Solo Conjugal Break for their staff. Apparently SIGNALPERSON'S PARTNERS (formerly Signalmen's Wives) is especially raunchy during the Olympics with sports equipment taking the place of the usual knobs and levers in old fashioned signal boxes
Apparently the Games Police had boarded a train, seized hold of anyone not wearing union jacks on their clothing or as their clothing and interrogated them. Some were taken away and only then could there be what they call a normal service. All are to be charged with Games Crimes, one at least with the most serious LACK OF ENTHUSIASM FOR THE GAMES.
If found guilty, the example may be forced to attend all sessions of the Synchronised Mental Masturbation being staged at Palace of Westminster this autumn.
But many train delays are normal and attributable to almost 100% take up of Diarrhea Trains' policy of 5 minutes in the hour Solo Conjugal Break for their staff. Apparently SIGNALPERSON'S PARTNERS (formerly Signalmen's Wives) is especially raunchy during the Olympics with sports equipment taking the place of the usual knobs and levers in old fashioned signal boxes
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Low Cogs draw attention to themselves
The Low Cogs have drawn attention to themselves, if only the people of Earth could see it. Just before the Olympics, hearing that Earthlings like water, they checked things out and found there was more than enough.
They just hadn’t understood the urgent need we have rehydrate ourselves; and so humans had to queue hours at each water fountain.
On their home planet, Low Cogs just recycle their own faeces, you see. It’s one of the ways you can spot them.
They had no idea we need so much water and were appalled at the lack of adequate supplies had – not because they are about us, but because someone might notice that we are ruled by those who spend their relaxation time in large buckets.
A Low Cog spokesperson said earlier today “We.are.aware.of.things” which is taken to mean that they are now “input operational” and they are going to arrange for more water to be available.
They just hadn’t understood the urgent need we have rehydrate ourselves; and so humans had to queue hours at each water fountain.
On their home planet, Low Cogs just recycle their own faeces, you see. It’s one of the ways you can spot them.
They had no idea we need so much water and were appalled at the lack of adequate supplies had – not because they are about us, but because someone might notice that we are ruled by those who spend their relaxation time in large buckets.
A Low Cog spokesperson said earlier today “We.are.aware.of.things” which is taken to mean that they are now “input operational” and they are going to arrange for more water to be available.
Monday, 30 July 2012
Low Cog and the empty seats
Lord Coe, peace be upon him, says, I am told, that Olympic events are packed.
Lord Coe says, I am told, that there is worry that many seats are unfilled.
I suppose this is the same as there being no jobs at the same time as it is essential that the unemployed get jobs
or
that this is among the richest countries in the world (let’s not go into how that came to be just now) but we have no more money
or
that we deplore the use of weapons of mass destruction and continue to develop our own
You’ll notice these go in pairs.
Of course we want Government to be democratic, says the Government, but we must be able to nominate some people to the upper house because of the problems of Democracy – though if it was worries about say electricity then they’d have a voluntary policy only – while the electorate can’t all see the point of voting for another party list.
Try to argue against this (as in What do you mean? “How do we get there from here?” I wouldn’t start form here) and you’ll be told “We are where we are” which means: You cannot challenge my basic and implicit assertion.
We are not allowed to say: Let’s look at this another way. Let’s look at this another way.
There is, we are told, a supply side and a demand side in the economy. We are not told, but we may infer, there is also a fantasy side and a theft side. Examine these, officially denied, and things start to get clearer.
The government says it wants transferable skills. I have a transferable skill. It is called making analogies.
I find where the money has gone more interesting than a bunch of specially bred bipeds competing with each other cheered on by a bunch of specially trained bipeds; but, by analogy, the reason there are so many empty seats is that the well-named Low Cog are incapable of getting drunk in a brewery and the Olympics is bigger than that. It’s not that Low Cog have organised it well and others have let them down. It’s that Low Cog didn’t see the blindingly obvious.
It is a part of the state religion, of which Low Cog is a temporary organ, that valuable things should be priced so that they are valued; and they give away tickets. They are calling in the troops to fill seats. If I was a soldier I’d go for it; better than being shot at and bombed; but they’d probably prefer being at home making whoopee. Who wouldn’t?
I think of the gardeners in Wonderland, painting flowers the preferred colour.
Buffoons led by buffoons.
Lord Coe says, I am told, that there is worry that many seats are unfilled.
I suppose this is the same as there being no jobs at the same time as it is essential that the unemployed get jobs
or
that this is among the richest countries in the world (let’s not go into how that came to be just now) but we have no more money
or
that we deplore the use of weapons of mass destruction and continue to develop our own
You’ll notice these go in pairs.
Of course we want Government to be democratic, says the Government, but we must be able to nominate some people to the upper house because of the problems of Democracy – though if it was worries about say electricity then they’d have a voluntary policy only – while the electorate can’t all see the point of voting for another party list.
Try to argue against this (as in What do you mean? “How do we get there from here?” I wouldn’t start form here) and you’ll be told “We are where we are” which means: You cannot challenge my basic and implicit assertion.
We are not allowed to say: Let’s look at this another way. Let’s look at this another way.
There is, we are told, a supply side and a demand side in the economy. We are not told, but we may infer, there is also a fantasy side and a theft side. Examine these, officially denied, and things start to get clearer.
The government says it wants transferable skills. I have a transferable skill. It is called making analogies.
I find where the money has gone more interesting than a bunch of specially bred bipeds competing with each other cheered on by a bunch of specially trained bipeds; but, by analogy, the reason there are so many empty seats is that the well-named Low Cog are incapable of getting drunk in a brewery and the Olympics is bigger than that. It’s not that Low Cog have organised it well and others have let them down. It’s that Low Cog didn’t see the blindingly obvious.
It is a part of the state religion, of which Low Cog is a temporary organ, that valuable things should be priced so that they are valued; and they give away tickets. They are calling in the troops to fill seats. If I was a soldier I’d go for it; better than being shot at and bombed; but they’d probably prefer being at home making whoopee. Who wouldn’t?
I think of the gardeners in Wonderland, painting flowers the preferred colour.
Buffoons led by buffoons.
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