Saturday, 12 May 2012

New laws on sonic disturbance a hit, say local councillors

New laws brought in by Lawrence Upton, the dear and considerate leader, brought a swift and satisfactory end to selfish behaviour in the High Street last Saturday. Sonic Police were called to the Happy Jitters coffee bar where it was reported that a child had been allowed to scream unbearably and repeatedly for over an hour. They found it was so. Other customers spoke of headaches and frustration and complained that those allowing the noise, the child's parents, were arguing unreasonably and denying responsibility. The parents of the child offered no satisfactory explanation and were taken to the Sound Court where a magistrate, having failed to obtain any assurance from them that they would not repeat the offence, ordered that they be painlessly removed from society.

In a private ceremony on the scaffold in the David Cameron Memorial Shopping Centre, Mr A Screech said “I have always sought to follow the laws, aiming to do my bit to bring down the ridiculous deficit left by the Romans before they abandoned us in the 4th century A D and to maintain the standards of decency for which this country is rightly praised throughout the S E of England

But I die a martyr to the cause of Freedom. It is the democratic birthright of everyone to make and allow his children to make as much bloody noise as they like; and those foolish enough to look after their hearing can always go somewhere else if they don't like it.”

He was then led to the humane killer and despatched, followed by his spouse, who was listening to music on her headphones and seemed unaware of what was happening. Their bodies will be used for commercial purposes by Surrey Burgers (since 2007)

The child was taken to a quiet place of safety for vocal restraint training.

Outside, a large silent crowd gestured their support for the dear and considerate leader.

A council spokesman later whispered “We support the dear and considerate leader. This new law will be more popular than the Boris bike.”

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